An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
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Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Just a friendly reminder!
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KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
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Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game