An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
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Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000
Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
this could fix me
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win