An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
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At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
I like crazy people until they notice me
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!