An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
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Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
the only bumper sticker ill allow