Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
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[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.