An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
🤣😂🤣😂
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
anyone else like Italian cereal
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
B