Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what’s the house of your dreams?

me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.

wife:

me:

wife:

me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.

If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

About to throw up

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?

“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……

Tony Hawk, age 6

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

[fraud trial]

Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?

Defendant: no– they all actually exist

Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.