Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Her: I want to travel the world in the new year

Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..

Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.

Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples