an airline just for babies.
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[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.