an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
We will use anything but the metric system
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
i like to flex on them by shrugging
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Breaking news:
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island