Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff

me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?

mom:

me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

{concert}

eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?

Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans

Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”