an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
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“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
tinder is all about the long game
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
every day my youngest daughter asks if i am here for the “silly billy look-a-like contest.” how much of this is a good man meant to take before he is radicalized
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
