An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
☠️
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*