An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”