An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Yes my dude
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS