An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
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For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
*puts cutlery down*
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat