@FeralCrone

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

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@datassque

yall tired of boiling water every time you make pasta? boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later.

@internetluke

Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..

@NurseSeymour

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@dulcetry

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

@TheCatWhisprer

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

@_Tempo11

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

@lovemyboots111

How do you know your man is cheating?

When he drives by her place the wifi connects

@JediGigi

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]