An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…