An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
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older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
That’s what I call a flat tire