An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.