[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
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If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.