Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

“What’s funny?”

The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.

“Why’s that funny?”

Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!

Mom: *sends food emojis*

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Animal poetry

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.