Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Baller is short for ballerina

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

Cheer up.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

Me: Why were my tests so expensive?

Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.

Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?

Hospital: Our fax machine was down.

“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”

-Me laying face down on the floor

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.