Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]

“And you said I’d never be your favorite”

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

The Compass

What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.

Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”

Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

God: you’re a fire ant.

Fire Ant: what does that mean?

God: when you bite something it burns like fire.

Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?

God: what-no.

Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.