An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
You Might Also Like
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
live, laugh, laundry.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Can confirm.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.