An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
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[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.