An amish party in the desert called churning man.
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x