An amish party in the desert called churning man.
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names