An amish party in the desert called churning man.
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Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
*puts cutlery down*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
As a doctor, I can confirm
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
me refusing to leave twitter