Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING