An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
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PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.