Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.

my favorite gender

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

Me checking my bank balance online.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”

and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭

“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”

you like when people scratch your belly?

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*

5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?

Alarm: beep beep beep

Me: I respectfully decline.