An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Trying out a new chicken fried steak recipe tonight because I think it’s important for my kids to learn to reject lots of different kinds of foods.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens