An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
You Might Also Like
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
stop
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
The first one, obviously
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.