An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
You Might Also Like
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
choose your gary
