An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.![]()
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Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
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[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.