Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Me: Do you remember when I told you-

Husband: No.

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.