An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
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If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
this has done me in for some reason
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.