An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Children of the corn 🌽
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
They should make a moral fiber supplement
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
so much to do
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on