An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
You Might Also Like
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
how DARE
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo