An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Oh thanks BBC.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)