An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.