An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
You Might Also Like
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
How do you milk an almond?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Still a very good boi….
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick