Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight

MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*

ME: that supposed to intimidate me?

*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*

ME: k I’m scared but thats rad

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.

One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead

ME: where’d you see that?

W: Facebook

M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax

W: no Facebook is real

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*