An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
You Might Also Like
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Monday
