An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.
Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?
Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Not helping
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.