Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

If looks could kill

Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

7-11 CLERK: what are you doing

ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend