An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*