An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Who wants to be my Valentine?
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”