An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
classic mixup
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.