An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
You Might Also Like
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.