An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
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“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??