an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
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The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
me 2 months after i graduated
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!