an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
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All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
“our sushi is very fresh”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Encore…
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.