Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

😂

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?

Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*

Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…