An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
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The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Note to self: always read the final line
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.