An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
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*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.