An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
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The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.