An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
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Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.