An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
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TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE