Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?

Yoga pants.

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

where the womens at?

We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

*limbos under the caution tape

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.