An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
You Might Also Like
Mad Max: Furry Road
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Left at a local drug store…
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.