An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
two people or more is called a problem
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
☠️ ☠️
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Stop sending me this shit.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!