An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
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My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
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The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.