Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.