Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.

I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her

Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?