An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
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If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
My whole life was a lie.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.