An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
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[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Jail
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich