An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?
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10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Just say no
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?