Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
when someone rings the doorbell
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.