An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
You Might Also Like
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.