An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
You Might Also Like
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My work here is don’t.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes