“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to