“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
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I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Best mom ever 😂
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own