Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

There’s safety in numbers.

CDC: Uh, no.

Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

I feel seen.

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?

Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.

Me: [also now staring at the floor]

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.