An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
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Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
LOL
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
