Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*

4yo: it’s ok, I like it

me:

4yo: except for the smell

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry

– me taking a joke

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

Me: What are you doing?!

5-year-old: Hugging my sister.

Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.

5:

Me:

5: The good ones do.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Oops 🤭