Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?

Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

What is going on here?

Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

Friday night party time 🥳

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!